smilodonmeow:

Congratulations on your assignment to a deep space outpost. Whether your stay is of a scientific, exploratory, or disciplinary nature, we hope that you enjoy a peaceful, restive, minimal-casualty residency in your spacecraft of choice. To maximize your chances of a successful return to Earth with all your limbs and faculties intact, please display a strict adherence to the following one thousand and one survival tips.

Deep Space Survival Tip Number One: Always read the instructions before operating any piece of machinery. Deviating from this might result in the loss of valuable equipment, which could lead to heavy fines or death.  

Deep Space Survival Tip Number Two: begin every day with a few minutes of exercise. Isometric exercises are no harder to do in zero gravity than they are on Earth and just as rewarding.

Deep Space Survival Tip Number Three: Spacewalks are a serious matter. They are very delicate operations filled with hazards, so only use them as a source of amusement if you are really bored.

Deep Space Survival Tip Number Four: Conserve your oxygen. Even in environments with an air recycling system, oxygen can be limited, so keep your breathing at a slow, steady pace. Remain calm. Failing to remain calm, could result in your grisly, gruesome death, so whatever you do, do not panic. Panicking will only serve to accelerate your oxygen consumption and make your already likely demise a certainty. If you want to avoid dying, painfully, alone, in the cold darkness of space, gasping desperately as freezing oblivion silences your pathetic hopes and dreams… relax.

Deep Space Survival Tip Number Five: Remain positive at all times. Maintain a cheerful attitude even in the face adversity. Remember: when you are smiling the whole world smiles with you, but when you’re crying you’re in violation of fleet-wide morale codes and should report to your superior officer for disciplinary action.

Deep Space Survival Tip Number Six: be mindful of your personal hygiene. Begin every day with a shower, and remember to brush your teeth at least four times a day.

Deep Space Survival Tip Number 184: Used in moderation, fear is an extremely effective stimulant.

Deep Space Survival Tip Number 325: An error is not a disaster until you repeat it.

Deep Space Survival Tip Number 555: Good communication habits are key to continued subsistence. Be in touch with other crew members about shipboard activities. Interfacing about possible problems or dangers is the best way to anticipate and prevent them.

Deep Space Survival Tip Number 615: When in doubt, whip it out - ‘it’ being hydrochloric acid.

Deep Space Survival Tip Number 645: Avoid lockouts. Keep at least one member of your crew inside your craft at all times.

Deep Space Survival Tip Number 856: No situation is unsolvable if you have enough dynamite.

Deep Space Survival Tip Number 946: In a tight spot, remember: statistically most things afraid of the dark.